- Your bladder is going to be in seriously bad shape…if that baby comes out your vag…don’t be hard on yourself about it. It’s going to happen. Two days after I had my daughter my husband starting recounting my birth stories and was taking some liberties with the materials. Well it was funny shit and I realized my bladder was a fucking mess when a 2 foot perimeter was saturated in piss and there was not a damn thing I could do about it…except grab for my newborn daughters spare blanket and sop up all the pee. I wish I could tell you it ends after a month or so…I wish I could tell you that….
- Day 3!!!! Tell everyone you know to stay out of your way, don’t ask how you’re doing or make eye contact with you. My midwife warned me but I didn’t buy into it. Silly me. She told me I will be weepiest, feel out of control and sad. She was right, I was all of those things and then some. The minute someone looked in my direction with the slightest bit of sympathy I was like a bomb waiting to go off. I’ve bestowed this wisdom on all my friends and it’s proven true…so don’t be hard on yourself. It’s normal, natural and part of the process.
- Prepare to sweat like a bodybuilder preparing for meet. Holy shit. It’s craziness. The few weeks postpartum your body is going through some seriously extreme hormonal swings going from growing a baby to then nurturing that baby outside the womb and wow, it’s nuts. You will have to change your clothes multiple times a day and that’s cool. I remember waking up for a feeding and being soaked with sweat, then beginning the feed shivering like a fucking hobo in December to sweating like crazy again within 1 feed. Keep some cold water on standby and warm housecoats and slippers to hop into.
- If that baby comes out your vag you’re going to need to make time to lay on your back, vag just hanging out to the world, taking in the fresh air. This also doubles as a perfect opportunity to tell visitors or unwanted family to scram. Seriously, some badness can happen if fresh air doesn’t get at that poor girl.
- You will encounter many friends and family members, and distant in-law type family members that ask or mention in the months before or months after that they’d love to help out: what can they do? Don’t even fucking hesitate, just blurt it out…’FOOD. Please can you make food? You can stock my freezer with deliciousness.’ And if they don’t want to do it right away or you don’t need it right away say: ‘3 fucking months from now my freezer will be ripe for your foodie goodness!’ Don’t pass it up, don’t be too proud, don’t act like you got this, cause you don’t and you’re not fooling anybody. It’s the best thing ever…get fucking on board.
- On that note: buy a deep freezer to house all of these meals for months to come. It’s the best thing ever.
- I’m sorry about your Goatie. It’s true, I am sorry about it. I wish it wouldn’t happen but me wishing it wouldn’t happen isn’t going to change science. Your chin is going to turn into the inspiration behind the ‘three little pigs’. It’s ok. It’s inevitable so you should at least feel good about that. The hairs that are going to sprout out of that fucker will haunt your dreams. But it’s hormones. All else fails, just blame hormones. And then hire an amazing laser hair removal expert to take care of that shit.
- Oh, yeah, that hair on your head…it’s fucked too. Again, I’m sorry about that. It’s falling out in clumps you say? Your drain is clogged? All I can tell you is, you’re not alone, it will grow back, and @batiste makes a great scalp root spray to take care of any thinness that might be killing your buzz. Kids are the pits.
- Your hips might be fucked….like, forever. Never to function the same again. Oh you were a runner before kids? Yah, you might not be. You might be but also, be aware that it can take a serious toll on all of those parts inside and the repercussions can have a lasting impact.
Crazy right? Why would anyone in their right mind do this? Because it’s the most transformative, progressive, insane, intense human experience in your lifetime. That’s why. And it’s all worth it.