Back to work

I am in mourning. Four weeks left of my last maternity leave, and the mourning has started; the anxiety, the panic, the doubt, the guilt and the fear. Anxiety because I don’t want to go back to work! Panic because I know these last four weeks are going to fly by. Doubt because I’m never going to be able to do it all. Guilt because I wish I could be home to take care of my babies and my family, but I know that our household requires my income. Fear because change is hard for me, I generally do not adjust well to change.

It’s not that I don’t like working, I actually quite enjoy my job, and I take pride in doing my job well. I know that going back to work will give me more freedom to a certain degree, and make me feel like Michelle again, instead of just feeling like mommy. I know that I will be glad to socialize with my coworkers and our customers. I know that, eventually, I will adjust and be very happy to be back to work, but I wish I could stay at home with L and L and be here to get K and B off the bus and just be their Mommy.  I want to raise our children. I want to take care of our family.  The problem with being a full-time working mommy is, I don’t like doing things halfway, I’m an “all-in” type of person. I don’t want to be mediocre. When I go back to work I will not be able to be an “all-in” Mom, nor will I be able to be an “all-in” employee. I will be stretched so thin that I will not be able to do either job to the best of my ability, I will just be mediocre.

I will be in a constant state of “not good enough”. Rushing out of work at the end of the day – even though I’m still needed there, often leaving things half done – so that I can grab L and L and get home to attempt to scrounge together a barely decent enough meal, squeeze in some reading with K and B, make sure that their clean, ready and organized to face the next day, hopefully manage to fold (and put away) the laundry.  Did I mention dance, piano and gymnastics??  Can’t forget to exercise myself (hah!!). Never mind doing things like groceries and cleaning or extracurricular things like decorating for Halloween, preparing for a dinner party, or shopping for one of their friends’ birthday parties. Fuck. I just can’t do it all, there is just no possible way for me to do one well without letting the other one suffer to a certain extent.

In my rational brain, I know that it will all work itself out. I know that I’ll figure out a new routine and get used to our new normal. I know that L and L will enjoy going to daycare, and that K and B won’t even really notice that I’m not home to get them off the bus. I know that hubby will be fine with my half-assed dinners, and that the housework will get done somehow. I just hope that in between it all I can find some time to stop and smell the fucking roses because one day I’m going to blink, and when I open my eyes my babies won’t be babies anymore and my girls will be too busy hanging out with their friends to even notice me.

I mourn the end of my last maternity leave.  I mourn the end of my last baby’s first year.  I mourn the start of our new normal. I mourn the beginning of the rest of our lives.

xo Michelle

One thought on “Back to work

  1. Michelle, trust me on this!! You will do just fine returning to work!! You my dear are a strong and intelligent woman who will be capable of much more that you ever thought possible!! Embrace this next phase of your life with the passion that you have so far exhibited in your life!!

    Liked by 1 person

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